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Today I made a rule for myself that if one-third or more of my Facebook feed is full of the same story, I won’t post about it. Why? Because I’m fucking sick of reading about the same shit over and over on Facebook–it seems as though everyone fancies him- or herself a reporter. Every time a celebrity dies or something horrible happens somewhere in the world my Facebook feed lights up like a god-damned Christmas tree with people regurgitating the news. They’re not adding anything new, interesting, or intelligent to the conversation, mind you. They’re just posting that it happened. And I’m so over it. Here are some things you should consider before trying to “break” a news story to your Facebook feed:

1) How old is this news? Guess what, Slappy: If the article you’re reading is timestamped more than 15 minutes ago, you’re too late.

2) Who cares about this incident? No, really. If only three of your 500 Facebook friends live in your county, there’s no point in posting six statuses about the recent changes to the tax code and why you think Obama should be impeached for them.

3) Can you bring something new to the table? Yes, a celebrity died. Yes it’s sad for some people, even though they didn’t know said celebrity personally. But when I see post after post after post of just “RIP [insert celebrity name here]” I want to join the dead celebrity in whatever Facebook-less afterlife they’re enjoying. If you can’t add something interesting to the dialogue, don’t fucking post about it! Nobody gives a shit that you’re “sad” enough to post a generic status update about the passing of a celebrity.

4) Are you going to use it as a jumping-off point for a pet cause of yours? No. Just don’t. Don’t be that person.

5) Do you feel left out? If all your Facebook friends are posting about a tragedy and you feel left out, that’s not a good enough reason to hop on the bandwagon and start attention-grabbing about said tragedy.

I hope this has been a helpful guide for how to post interesting and thoughtful things on Facebook. Just kidding. I hope this has at least given you some insight into how not to be a current events sheep that’s passively bleating and adding to the colorless monotony of everyone’s Facebook feed.

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