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I’m going to cut right to the chase on this one: Your pet causes are not other people’s pet causes. Period. Stop trying to badger people into caring about shit that has nothing to do with them just because you think it’s important. Everyone is entitled to care about whatever they care about–for whatever reasons. You need to respect that.

I say this because I’m personally fucking tired of people buying me shit with pink ribbons on it. I have a relative (let’s call him/her Sam) who lost a relative to breast cancer and now Sam does the Komen every year and will buy anything pink. This is perfectly fine to me. Sam is absolutely free to mourn the death of Sam’s relative and do something about the disease that killed her–in the form of raising funds and buying things that give proceeds to breast cancer charities and whatever else Sam wants to do to feel helpful. This is normal and healthy and I have no problem with it because I’m not a monster.

What I HAVE a problem with is now Sam insists on buying me (and others) shit with pink ribbons plastered all over it (along with other items I’ll never use with a little printout about how X percent of the proceeds from Sam’s purchase went toward breast cancer charities). Breast cancer is not my cause. I don’t *not* care about it, but the only money I ever donate toward it is what I give to Sam during Sam’s Komen walk every year. I do that to support Sam; I could give a fuck which charity it goes toward. Obviously, because I personally think Komen grossly misappropriates its funds. I am not going to prance around town with pink ribbon jewelry or shirts because it’s not my cause (and if it were, I wouldn’t lord it over everyone with my apparel, but I digress). I don’t know anyone with breast cancer (yet, not to be morbid but the odds aren’t good) and it seems really poser-ish for me to climb onto the bandwagon. I know it’s not required to have a personal tie to a cause to support it, but the long and short of it is: There are other things I care about much more.

This isn’t the first time someone has gotten me something in support of a cause I have no affinity for. I once got potholders and jewelry made by poor women in Africa. Again, I’m so glad you have something you feel passionate about, but now I have to give this shit to Goodwill and make up a lie the next time the gift-giver visits me.

One of the worst parts of these gifts, though, is that some of them don’t even give proceeds to worthy charities. People will buy almost anything with a pink ribbon on it without much thought because it’s an easy dose of feel-good. I once got a bracelet of pink ribbon bangles (oh, God, it was hideous) and a portion of its proceeds went to support “breast awareness.” What. The. Fuck. Aren’t most of us aware of breasts? I have a hard time believing any of that money went toward something worthwhile.

So by now you’re probably like, “What the shit, Rampaige? Are you so greedy and materialistic that you want people to just buy you stuff you want?” Well, A) Do I want people to buy me things I want as presents? Yes. Yes I do. Isn’t that the point of presents? But, more importantly, B) If people want to be charitable in my honor: They should donate to a charity I actually fucking care about! All these people are doing is donating to their pet charities instead of buying me a gift. Then I’m the asshole for not admiring them for their generosity. Yeah, way to be generous with money that was earmarked for me–giving it to a charity you already give to instead of forking it over to something I care about.

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