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Um, wow. So, my bad for forgetting about this blog. God knows I’ve been pissed about plenty these days. Anyhoo, while I hash out some new posts, here’s one I apparently forgot to publish from a few months ago!

I’m married. I’ve been married for three (almost four!) years and with my husband for eight (almost nine!). I know a thing or two about a long-term relationship. Not everything, but I’ve learned some things. That being said…

Marriage/relationship advice is ridiculous these days. I mean, have you read any of this stuff? Here are a few of the gems I’ve seen lately that have particularly pissed me off.

*Don’t yell at your spouse.* This is advice? This is TERRIBLE advice. You need to yell. Yell and get it all out. I promise you that yelling won’t ruin your relationship. Don’t be scared of your feelings. If you’re angry–be angry. And express your anger. If you don’t express it, you repress it and it screws you up even more. Let. It. Out.

*Don’t poop in front of each other.* What the fuck is this? Don’t tell me what I can do in front of my spouse based on your own weird hangups. I hate this piece of advice more than any other advice. ANY OF IT. Why can’t I poo in front of my spouse? Is it because women don’t poop? Is that it? Am I supposed to uphold some sort of feminine mystique here? Look, I get it. You’re uncomfortable with bodily functions and you want to project that onto other people. I get that. But don’t tell me that my entire relationship–all eight+ years of it–is going to fall to ruin because one of us sees the other making a number two. I don’t buy it.

*Don’t emotionally distance yourself after a fight.* Yeah. Um, or do. Some people need time to cool off after a fight. Don’t tell people how to fight.

The common theme here seems to be this: Don’t be ugly in front of your spouse. But that’s awful advice. To quote every twit on Pinterest: “If you can’t love me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” Trite as it is, it’s true. If you can’t be ugly in front of the one person on the planet who supposedly loves you the most–who can you be ugly in front of? I disagree so strongly with the idea that we should hide ourselves or put on a mask in order to be acceptable to other people. Especially our loved ones–spouses and family and close friends. This kind of shit is the equivalent of that old school advice that women never let themselves appear untidy to their husbands. Guess what: Real love is untidy. It’s messy and ugly even though it’s wonderful and beautiful. Embrace ALL of it, not just the shiny parts.

So what do I say when the wedding reception camera eventually pans to me and asks for advice? “Ignore everyone else’s advice. Figure out what works for you and do that.”

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2 Comments

  1. Rampaige-I am so proud of the remarkably grounded, intelligent, and sensible woman you are; you should write an advice column!

      • rampaigetakeson2
      • Posted September 20, 2013 at 10:48 PM
      • Permalink
      • Reply

      Aw, thanks! I’ve been barking up that tree for years but nobody wants an advice column from an “unknown.” Ah well. I will continue to dispense it freely and unsolicited!


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